These days it seems there’s nothing wors’n
Being quite a hairy person.
Wherever you look you’re confronted by “smooth”
Oiled and honed for the Photo booth.
But when did this happen? When did Fate
Turn women away from a hairy mate?
When did “back, sack and crack” arrive to save men
From loping about like perpetual cavemen?
My Grandson calls me his “Pet Wookie”
And brings his pals to take a look. He
Doesn’t know that it’s diabolical
To feel you’re just one big hair follicle.
When, on the beach, some people scream
“I’ll bet you don’t need sun-tan cream!”
I could retort, there on the sand
“Well, you could use a gastric band!”.
But worse than this is the swimming pool.
No matter how hard I try to be cool,
The looks from the staff just give me guilt as
You know they’re thinking “He’ll block the filters”.
It’s really hard to stay afloat
Swimming in an overcoat,
And of course my pace is bound to flag
Whilst struggling with so much drag.
But it’s not all bad. When leaving the water,
My coat of fur is useful, sorta’….
Putting me in a better position.
It hides poor muscle definition.
In the past, when more romantically active
I would dream that women could find me attractive
And imagine a scene on a sinking liner
With the orchestra playing a tune in “G minor”
In a freezing lifeboat, all in a huddle
It’s me that the women would flock to cuddle.
But it’s not a scenario that I intend trying.
In conditions like those I could end up dying.
Great hairiness is hard to limit.
It stands out a mile if you try to trim it,
With a hairy chest that stops in a line
Then a naked back and shoulders that shine.
Is body art the way to go?
Tattoos and such are cool and so
If I could topiarize my pile
It might at least make someone smile.
Perhaps to trace some figures, nude
In primitive style that looks quite crude
With not much detail on the faces
And little tufts in strategic places.
I would suggest male depilation
Flies in the face of Man’s Creation.
It is absurd, and quite contrary
That paintings don’t show Adam hairy.
So come on Lads, wear your lagging with pride.
Come out and show you’ve nothing to hide,
People may mock, but they’re not going to shoot us,
Though global warning may not suit us!